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Brakes & Accelerators

Sexual desire works like a car. There are accelerators (things that turn you on) and brakes (things that turn you off or shut you down). Most couples focus on adding more accelerators. The bigger gains come from removing brakes.

Safety note: This worksheet is for consensual relationships where both partners can say yes, no, wait, or stop without punishment. Do not use this worksheet to pressure sexual activity. If there is fear, coercion, retaliation, active abuse, trauma flooding, pain, shutdown, or dissociation, pause and use this with a qualified therapist.

How to use this worksheet

Each partner fills their own copy. Privately. In writing. Trade and read silently. Pick ONE brake to remove this week — smallest, easiest, most concrete. Pick ONE accelerator to add.

Name
______________________________________________

Date
______________________________________________

Brakes — what slows you down or shuts you off

Mark anything that applies.

  • [ ] Stress, fatigue, or burnout
  • [ ] Unfinished arguments
  • [ ] A messy or chaotic bedroom environment
  • [ ] Sensory overload (lights, sounds, scents, fabrics)
  • [ ] Body image concerns or feeling unattractive
  • [ ] Performance anxiety or fear of failing
  • [ ] Worry about partner's pleasure or response
  • [ ] Distraction (kids, work, phone, mental load)
  • [ ] Pressure to perform or finish
  • [ ] Feeling rushed or out of time
  • [ ] Past sexual experiences that left a mark
  • [ ] Lack of emotional connection that day
  • [ ] Hunger, dehydration, or low energy
  • [ ] Pain or physical discomfort
  • [ ] Self-criticism or 'spectatoring' (watching yourself)
  • [ ] Religious, cultural, or family-of-origin messages

My top three brakes to remove

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Accelerators — what turns you on

  • [ ] Feeling emotionally close earlier in the day
  • [ ] Anticipation, scheduling, looking forward to it
  • [ ] Specific kinds of touch (massage, scalp, back)
  • [ ] Specific sensory environment (low light, music, scents)
  • [ ] A calm body (rested, fed, regulated)
  • [ ] Feeling desired or pursued
  • [ ] Feeling safe to say no
  • [ ] Slow build-up without pressure
  • [ ] A specific routine or ritual
  • [ ] Time alone first (decompression after work)
  • [ ] Visual cues (lingerie, partner's body, erotica)
  • [ ] Specific words or phrases from partner
  • [ ] Predictability of what will happen
  • [ ] Surprise within agreed-on bounds
  • [ ] Reassurance during sex (verbal check-ins)
  • [ ] Aftercare (knowing the after will be good)

My top three accelerators to add

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Discussion & notes

The brakes side is usually the bigger reveal: Talk about that first.

Which of my brakes did my partner not know about?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Which of my partner's brakes feels easiest for me to help reduce?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

What is one specific accelerator I want to ask for this week?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

What's an accelerator that surprises me about my partner?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Brakes first: Most couples get further by easing brakes than by adding accelerators. Start with the one brake that's easiest to remove.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

  • Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The intimacy session for a neurodiverse couple: what gets in the way, how to invite and say no, a touch card, and when to see a specialist.
  • Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Intimacy in a neurodiverse couple — spontaneous vs responsive desire, the sensory side of sex, why pressure backfires, and how to design it together.
  • Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Sex and intimacy for neurodivergent bodies: sensory load, masking, direct communication, and consent.
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