She Rocks the Spectrum

Designer Relationship

Most couples take the relationship template they grew up with — or absorbed from culture — and live it without thinking. ND couples especially benefit from designing the relationship out loud. This worksheet is the design conversation, on paper, in advance.

Safety note: This worksheet is for consensual relationships where both partners can say yes, no, wait, or stop without punishment. Do not use this worksheet to pressure sexual activity. If there is fear, coercion, retaliation, active abuse, trauma flooding, pain, shutdown, or dissociation, pause and use this with a qualified therapist.

How to use this worksheet

Each partner fills their own copy. What YOU want, not what you assume partner wants. Trade and read silently. Notice the gaps. Talk about ONE area where you differ — curiosity, not negotiation. Iterate. This is a living document — re-do it once a year.

Name
______________________________________________

Date
______________________________________________

Areas of design

What do we actually want?

Sex frequency — once a week? Twice? Whatever happens? Scheduled or spontaneous?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Monogamy or not — closed? Open? Don't ask don't tell? Discuss everything?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Time together vs apart — how much daily? How much per weekend? Solo time how much?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Money and finances — joint account? Separate? Both? Who pays for what?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Holidays and traditions — whose family? When? Which traditions do we keep / replace?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Conflict style — direct? Take a break first? Bring third parties (therapist)?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Affection in public — hand-holding? PDA limits?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Sleeping arrangements — same bed always? Sometimes apart? Different bedtimes?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Communication frequency — texts during the day? Evening debrief? Weekly check-ins?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Major decisions — joint always? Some independence? Veto rights?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Design notes

Disagreements are not problems: They are the design conversation.

The area we most agree on is

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

The area we differ most on is

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

What feels inherited (not chosen) about our relationship?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

One design decision to make this month

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________