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Expectation Alignment

Everyone brings expectations into a relationship — wants, goals, values. When they are said out loud, you can understand each other and act on what you hear. When they stay unspoken, unknown, or hidden, they sit there quietly turning into resentment.

When both of you expect dinner together every night, you make it happen and you enjoy it. When one of you expects dinner every night and the other expects to travel six months a year, resentment builds in both directions — and neither of you did anything wrong. The list of possible expectations is endless and it is different for every couple. These are yours.

Fill out one copy each, separately. Then trade and read each other's. The goal at this stage is only to understand and listen — not to negotiate, and not to defend. Once you have both read, go back through and talk about practical adjustments, one topic at a time.

For each answer, judge for yourself whether it is a reasonable expectation or an unreasonable one, and write that judgment into your answer. Then check the box for the topics that matter most to you — those are the ones to discuss first.

How We Relate

In our communication with each other, I expect, want, and value…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] Communication is one of the ones that matters most to me.

In our times of disagreement, I expect…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] How we disagree is one of the ones that matters most to me.

When we say goodbye each day and when we greet each other again, I expect…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] Goodbyes and greetings are one of the ones that matters most to me.

When we go to bed at night, I expect…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] Bedtime is one of the ones that matters most to me.

Closeness and Care

In our sex life, I expect and want…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] Our sex life is one of the ones that matters most to me.

In our physical health, I expect…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] Physical health is one of the ones that matters most to me.

Our Shared Life

In our social lives, I expect…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] Our social lives are one of the ones that matters most to me.

In our spiritual lives, I expect…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] Our spiritual lives are one of the ones that matters most to me.

In keeping the house, I expect…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] Housework is one of the ones that matters most to me.

In our spending and saving, I expect…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] Money is one of the ones that matters most to me.

In where we decide to live, I expect…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] Where we live is one of the ones that matters most to me.

In our relationships with in-laws, I expect…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] In-laws are one of the ones that matters most to me.

Commitments and the Road Ahead

In our fidelity to each other, I expect…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] Fidelity is one of the ones that matters most to me.

In our future, I expect…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] Our future is one of the ones that matters most to me.

What I expect from myself, to contribute to my partner's happiness…
e.g. Note beside each one whether you think it is reasonable or unreasonable.

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  • [ ] What I bring is one of the ones that matters most to me.

Unspoken is not the same as unfair: Almost none of these expectations are wrong. They were just never said, so your partner has been failing a test they were never shown. Reading each other's copy is not about conceding — it is about finally being graded on a visible rubric. Most couples find the reasonable-or-unreasonable column changes on its own once they have read the other person's page.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

  • Your Goals, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. What each of you wants, in your own words, and the questions your therapist asks underneath it.
  • The Roles We Fall Into, from The Neurodiverse Couple. How couples drift into lopsided roles and the parent-child trap, and how to renegotiate around real strengths.
  • Building Your Couple Operating Manual, from The Neurodiverse Couple. The capstone: turn everything you've learned into one shared couple operating manual — map your two systems and write agreements that actually stick.
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