She Rocks the Spectrum

I vs. We: Goals & Raw Spots

Three connected practices that move a couple from blame toward partnership: speaking from 'I' instead of 'you,' naming the raw spot underneath a reaction, and setting goals both as individuals and as a team.

Part 1 — The 'I vs. We' Exchange

Take turns. The speaker uses the I-statement frame; the listener simply reflects back what they heard before responding. Then switch.

Partner A speaks

I feel / I would feel…

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When…

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So I would like it if… (Is that okay?)

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Partner B reflects: 'So what you said was…'
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Partner B speaks

I feel / I would feel…

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When…

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So I would like it if… (Is that okay?)

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Partner A reflects: 'So what you said was…'
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Part 2 — Raw Spots

Underneath most big reactions is a raw spot — an old, tender place. Naming it gives your partner something to be gentle with. Fill this in about a recent incident.

In this incident, the trigger for my raw feelings was when…

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On the surface, I probably showed… (e.g., anger, distance, sarcasm)
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But deep down, I just felt… (e.g., sad, ashamed, afraid)

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What I longed for was…

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The main message I got — about our relationship, about me, or about whether I'm loved — was…

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Part 3 — Goal-Setting

Each partner fills in their own goals at three levels. Then compare — the comparison is the real exercise.

My PERSONAL goals (1-3):

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My COUPLE goals (1-3):

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My FAMILY goals (1-3):

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Compare Notes

Trade lists and talk through these together.

Did any of your partner's goals surprise you?

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How do your goals complement or compete with each other's?

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How can you each contribute to achieving the other's goals?

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The first small step toward one shared goal:
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On the raw-spots language: The raw-spots idea is drawn from Emotionally Focused Therapy (Dr. Sue Johnson). The I-statement and goal-setting structures are common couples-work tools; the wording here is our own.

A gentle note: This worksheet is a learning tool, not treatment. If your relationship currently includes abuse, ongoing harm, or active crisis, please work with a qualified couples therapist instead.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Underneath the Loop, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The session under the loop for a neurodiverse couple: the deeper feeling named, said to your partner and heard, then turned into a clear request.
• Your Goals, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. What each of you wants, in your own words, and the questions your therapist asks underneath it.
• RSD and Conflict, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why small feedback can land as a huge wound — 'RSD' (a popular term, not a diagnosis), the science underneath, and how to give feedback that lands.
• The Roles We Fall Into, from The Neurodiverse Couple. How couples drift into lopsided roles and the parent-child trap, and how to renegotiate around real strengths.