She Rocks the Spectrum

Initiation Audit

Many sexual problems eventually show up in the initiation pattern. Who asks? How do they ask? What gets answered with a yes? Initiation patterns harden over years — but they can be remade with a single honest conversation.

Safety note: This worksheet is for consensual relationships where both partners can say yes, no, wait, or stop without punishment. Do not use this worksheet to pressure sexual activity. If there is fear, coercion, retaliation, active abuse, trauma flooding, pain, shutdown, or dissociation, pause and use this with a qualified therapist.

How to use this worksheet

Each partner fills their own copy. Honest answers — no diplomatic ones. Trade copies and read silently. Curiosity over defensiveness. Pick ONE pattern to change — small, specific, observable. Re-audit in a month.

Name
______________________________________________

Date
______________________________________________

The audit

Who initiates more often?

• [ ] Me
• [ ] My partner
• [ ] About equal

How do I usually initiate?

• [ ] Direct ask
• [ ] A look or signal
• [ ] Touch first
• [ ] A line / joke
• [ ] I don't initiate

How does my partner usually initiate?

• [ ] Direct ask
• [ ] A look or signal
• [ ] Touch first
• [ ] A line / joke
• [ ] Rarely initiates

When I'm declined, I feel...

• [ ] Fine
• [ ] Hurt or rejected
• [ ] Angry
• [ ] Relieved
• [ ] Confused

When I decline, I worry that my partner feels...

• [ ] Fine
• [ ] Hurt
• [ ] Angry
• [ ] Relieved
• [ ] I don't know

My most common reason for declining is...

• [ ] Tired
• [ ] Stressed
• [ ] Sensory full
• [ ] Not in mood
• [ ] Time of day
• [ ] Emotional disconnect

What we noticed

The pattern that isn't working is

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

What I want instead is

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

One specific change to try this week

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

How will we know if it's working?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Nobody has to be the initiator: The goal isn't a fair split of initiating. It's a way of starting that both of you can recognize and say yes or no to comfortably.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The intimacy session for a neurodiverse couple: what gets in the way, how to invite and say no, a touch card, and when to see a specialist.
• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Intimacy in a neurodiverse couple — spontaneous vs responsive desire, the sensory side of sex, why pressure backfires, and how to design it together.
• Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, honestly: what it is, and what helps.