She Rocks the Spectrum

Splitting the Household Chores

Who does what — and why you keep fighting about it.

How your family of origin handled chores quietly shapes how you split work now — and how you feel about it. This worksheet brings those invisible expectations into the open.

A note for neurodiverse couples: Executive function differences are real. 'Just do it' is not advice; it's a wall. If a chore feels overwhelming (mark it O), that's important data — not a moral failing. What 'done' means may be very different between partners.

Partner A
______________________________________________

Partner B
______________________________________________

Quick key: Feels: L = love it · H = hate it · N = neutral · O = overwhelms me. Who does it: A = Partner A · B = Partner B · 2 = both/shared · X = outsourced

For each chore, note who handled it in each of your families growing up (mom, dad, both, nobody, a sibling…), how each of you feels about it now, and who does it in your home today. Use the key above for the feelings and who-does-it codes.

Daily tasks

Prepare breakfast

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Cook dinner

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Set the table

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Do the dishes

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Make the bed

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Take out trash & recycling

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Pet care

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Water plants

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Do laundry

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Sort mail

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Run daily errands

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Cleaning & upkeep

Buy groceries

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Buy household supplies

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Clean the kitchen

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Clean the bathroom

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Vacuum, sweep, mop

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Dust

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Change the sheets

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Replace lightbulbs / batteries

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Small repairs

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Tech maintenance

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Manage subscriptions

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Outdoor & home

Maintain the cars

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Mow the lawn

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Rake leaves / shovel snow

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Plan & plant the garden

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Garden upkeep

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Larger home maintenance

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Organize garage / storage

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Manage waste pickup

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Paperwork & admin

Pay bills

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Manage banking

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Manage investments

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Manage internet/phone/streaming

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Manage insurance

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Doctor & dentist appointments

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Tax prep & filing

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Track family calendar

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Social & life-around-the-house

Plan weekend activities

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Plan vacations

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Make restaurant reservations

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Send cards & gifts

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Plan holidays

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Religious / spiritual commitments

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

Maintain friendships

• In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
• In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
• A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
• Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________

What does 'done' look like?

Half of all chore fights aren't about who does the chore — they're about whether it's been done. Pick the chores that cause the most friction and write down what 'done' means for each of you.

For Partner A — what does 'done' mean for our friction chores?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

For Partner B — what does 'done' mean for our friction chores?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

What patterns from your family of origin do you want to keep? Which do you not want to repeat?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Where's the biggest imbalance — and is it actually fair?

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

When will you revisit this? (pick a date in the next 3 months)
______________________________________________