She Rocks the Spectrum

The Backwards Bike

Why knowing better doesn't make you better — and what does.

In 2015, an engineer named Destin Sandlin had a friend modify a bicycle so that turning the handlebars left steered the wheel right. Despite knowing exactly how the bike worked, he couldn't ride it. Eight months later, he could. Then he tried to ride a normal bike — and couldn't do that either. His brain had been rewritten.

Anger patterns work the same way. Your brain has built a fast lane between certain triggers and certain reactions. Knowing intellectually that you should respond differently doesn't make you able to. The pathway is real. Replacing it is real work.

A note on neurodivergent brains: If you're autistic or have ADHD, your brain may have built emotional pathways that are faster, hotter, or harder to interrupt than the neurotypical default. That isn't a character flaw — it's wiring. Adult brains have less plasticity than kids' — be patient with yourself accordingly.

A gentle note: If your anger has caused harm to someone you love — or if you fear it might — this worksheet is not a substitute for working with a qualified therapist.

Step 1 — Map your current pattern

Pick one anger episode from the past few weeks — recent enough to remember, not so raw that writing it floods you. Walk it through, link by link.

01 — The trigger. What happened, exactly? Stay concrete.

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02 — The story you told yourself. What did your brain immediately decide it meant?

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03 — The body cue. Where did you feel it first? Tight chest, hot face, jaw, racing heart?

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04 — The reaction. What did you do or say? Even if you regret it.

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05 — The aftermath. What was the cost — to you, to your partner, to the relationship?

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Step 2 — Design the new response

Specific beats general. Small beats heroic. Eight months of two-minute practice beats one weekend of trying really hard.

My early-warning body cue (the first physical sign — pick the one I'll catch first)

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The interrupting move (deep breath, naming the feeling, leaving the room)

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The new response I want (not perfect, just better than the old one)

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My daily practice (2 min/day: rehearse cue → interrupt → response when calm)

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Two reminders before you go: It will feel weird first. That's the point — if the new response felt natural, you'd already be doing it. Slip-ups aren't failure — they're data. Notice which trigger broke you back into the old pathway and adjust.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Naming the Loop, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Draw one ordinary fight as a loop, tell a shutdown from stonewalling, name the pattern, and agree on a pause with a time to come back.
• Repair Cycles That Actually Work for ND Brains, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Repair after a fight is the top predictor of lasting love — but standard advice backfires for ND brains.
• Emotional Dysregulation & Alexithymia, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Why neurodivergent emotions hit harder, later, and longer; what alexithymia is; and how to build an emotional first-aid kit.
• CAS — Clinical Anger You Can Actually Look At, from ADHD Self-Discovery. The Clinical Anger Scale took its format and its cut-offs from a depression inventory.