A Therapy Center for Autistic Girls & Women
She Rocks the Spectrum
The History & Philosophy of Your Marriage
Including a Neurodiversity Supplement. This exercise helps you and your partner explore your shared history and develop a conscious philosophy of your marriage. Work through each question individually first — making rough notes — then discuss your answers together.
Which questions to do: Marriage Preparation clients: complete all standard questions; you may skip the ones marked (*), which are for couples with longer shared histories. Marriage Counseling clients: complete all questions, including the (*) ones.
If it gets heated: If a question feels too sensitive or begins to escalate conflict, stop and agree to discuss it in your next session. These questions open conversation — they're not meant to start a fight.
Partner 1:
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Partner 2:
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Part 1 — The History of Your Relationship
These questions invite you to revisit and share the story of how you came together. Even couples together for decades discover new things when they take time to tell their story.
1. How did the two of you meet and get together? (First impression? Did anything make them stand out? Drawn right away, or did it develop?)
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2. What do you remember most about when you were first dating? (How long before you committed? Highlights? Tensions? What did you do together?)
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3. How did you decide to get married? Of all the people in the world, what led you to choose this person? (Easy or hard decision? Were you in love — what did that feel like?)
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4. What do you remember about your engagement and wedding? (What stands out? Moments of stress or conflict — how did you navigate them?)
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5. * What do you remember about the first year of your marriage? (Adjustments in how you lived, communicated, understood each other? Any surprises?)
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6. * What was the transition to becoming parents like? (How did it change your relationship? On the same page, or did differences emerge?)
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7. Looking back, what moments stand out as the really happy times? (What does a good time look like for you as a couple? Has it changed over the years?)
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8. Most relationships go through ups and downs. Can you describe some of those periods? (What caused the difficult ones? What helped you come back together?)
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9. * What moments stand out as the hardest times? (Why did you stay together? What did you learn about each other — or yourselves?)
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10. * Have you stopped doing things together that once gave you pleasure? (What's faded? Anything you miss or want to bring back?)
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Part 2 — Your Philosophy of Marriage
The beliefs we carry about marriage — often absorbed from our families of origin before we knew we had them — shape how we show up as partners. This section makes those beliefs explicit so you can compare them.
11. Why do you think some marriages work while others don't? (Think of one couple you admire and one that concerns you — what's different? How does your marriage compare to each?)
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12. Talk to each other about your parents' marriages. (A model to follow, or to do differently? How has it influenced your own, for better or worse?)
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13. Use the Relationship Timeline Chart below to map the history of your relationship together. Where are the happiest periods for each of you? Where are the biggest gaps between your ratings? What patterns do you notice across the arc?
Part 3 — Neurodiversity & Your Relationship
These questions apply a neurodiversity-informed lens to your history. They're most relevant when one or both partners identify as neurodiverse — autistic, ADHD, highly sensitive, or otherwise neurologically different. You do not need a formal diagnosis; answer from lived experience.
Awareness & Discovery
14. When did you first become aware that neurodiversity was part of your relationship? (A diagnosis — when? Earlier signs you only understood in hindsight? How did awareness, or its lack, affect how you understood early conflicts?)
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15. How did learning about neurodiversity change how you saw your partner? (Did something that seemed like a character flaw look different through a neurological lens? What did you feel — relief, grief, anger, hope?)
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Communication & Emotional Connection
16. How has neurological difference shown up in how you communicate? (Different needs around directness, tone, eye contact, processing time? Do you misread each other's signals? Any strategies that help?)
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17. How has emotional regulation — or dysregulation — affected your relationship? (Does one or both shut down, withdraw, or explode? How long to recover from an argument? Do you understand each other's recovery needs?)
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18. Recurring arguments you now understand differently through a neurodiversity lens? (Describe one pattern. What was each of you actually needing? What would have helped that neither of you knew to offer?)
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Sensory Needs & Daily Life
19. How have differences in sensory needs shown up at home? (Noise, lighting, touch, food, clutter, social activity, travel. A source of tension? Creative solutions? Needs treated as mere preferences?)
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20. How have differences in executive function, energy, or routine affected your partnership? (Household tasks, follow-through, time, finances, parenting. Unequal distribution breeding resentment? Do you understand why the gaps exist?)
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Identity, Masking & Intimacy
21. Have either of you spent significant energy masking — suppressing your natural neurological style to appear 'normal'? (What did it cost you? Has your partner been affected by it without knowing what it was? Have you been able to unmask more as the relationship deepened — what made that possible?)
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22. What does your relationship need now that you understand more about how your nervous systems work? (Accommodations, agreements, new ways of communicating to try? What would it look like to feel genuinely understood — not just tolerated? One thing you appreciate about your partner's neurotype you've never said out loud?)
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Appendix: Relationship Timeline Chart
Complete this together. For each period, give your relationship a rating from 1 (very difficult) to 10 (very fulfilling), and note the key events, turning points, or themes that defined that time. You don't need to agree on ratings — different perspectives are part of what makes this valuable.
Before we met
- Rating (1-10): ____________________
- Key events, turning points & notes: ____________________
First 6 months dating
- Rating (1-10): ____________________
- Key events, turning points & notes: ____________________
6-12 months dating
- Rating (1-10): ____________________
- Key events, turning points & notes: ____________________
Engagement
- Rating (1-10): ____________________
- Key events, turning points & notes: ____________________
First year married
- Rating (1-10): ____________________
- Key events, turning points & notes: ____________________
Years 2-3
- Rating (1-10): ____________________
- Key events, turning points & notes: ____________________
Years 4-5
- Rating (1-10): ____________________
- Key events, turning points & notes: ____________________
Years 6-10
- Rating (1-10): ____________________
- Key events, turning points & notes: ____________________
Years 11-15
- Rating (1-10): ____________________
- Key events, turning points & notes: ____________________
Years 16-20
- Rating (1-10): ____________________
- Key events, turning points & notes: ____________________
Years 21-25
- Rating (1-10): ____________________
- Key events, turning points & notes: ____________________
Year 26 onwards
- Rating (1-10): ____________________
- Key events, turning points & notes: ____________________
After completing the chart: Where are the biggest gaps between your ratings? What do those gaps tell you? Where have you grown most as a couple?
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Source: Parts One and Two are adapted from Gottman, J. & Silver, N., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999). The Neurodiversity Supplement (Part Three) is original content developed by New Path Family of Therapy Centers.
What to do when you're done: Upload your completed worksheet to your SimplePractice portal and notify your therapist — ideally at least a day before your session, so they have a chance to read it.
A gentle note: This worksheet is a learning tool, not treatment. If your relationship currently includes abuse, ongoing harm, or active crisis, please work with a qualified couples therapist instead.