She Rocks the Spectrum

Through Different Lenses

Four ways your communication styles may not match — and what to do about it.

When neurodiversity is present in a relationship, partners often approach the same conversation through fundamentally different lenses. Neither lens is wrong. But when the two of you don't know which lens you're each using, even simple conversations can leave both of you feeling unheard.

The four lenses

• Logical ↔ Emotional — how you naturally enter a conversation: solving or feeling.
• Concrete ↔ Abstract — how you process: literal and specific, or layered and nuanced.
• Absolute ↔ Relative — how you frame statements: 'always/never' or 'sometimes/it depends.'
• Avoidant ↔ Insistent — how you respond to friction: pulling back, or pressing through.

Partner A
______________________________________________

Partner B
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How to read the result

• Two marks close together — this lens isn't where your friction lives. Skip ahead.
• Two marks far apart — this is structural. Most fights here won't resolve until you name the gap.
• Neither end is 'correct.' The middle isn't 'better.' The point is to see, not to grade.

Step 1 — Map your lenses

On each scale, mark where you sit on a typical day. 1 is the left side, 5 is the right side. Both partners answer.

Logical (lead with thinking) ↔ Emotional (lead with feeling)

Partner A
Rate from 1 to 5: ____

Partner B
Rate from 1 to 5: ____

Concrete (literal & specific) ↔ Abstract (layered & nuanced)

Partner A
Rate from 1 to 5: ____

Partner B
Rate from 1 to 5: ____

Absolute ('always/never') ↔ Relative ('sometimes/it depends')

Partner A
Rate from 1 to 5: ____

Partner B
Rate from 1 to 5: ____

Avoidant (pull back from friction) ↔ Insistent (press through friction)

Partner A
Rate from 1 to 5: ____

Partner B
Rate from 1 to 5: ____

Step 2 — Where's the gap?

Pick the lens with the biggest gap between your two marks — that's where most of your friction hides. Walk through these prompts together.

The lens we want to look at
______________________________________________

A recent conversation where this gap got us into trouble (specific)

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
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What I needed in that moment that I didn't get (both partners answer — A and B)

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

One thing I can do to meet my partner partway on this lens (small, specific, doable this week)

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
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