She Rocks the Spectrum

When Money Is Used to Control

Money can be used as a leash. If you can't see the accounts, have to justify every purchase, or have been made to feel you couldn't survive on your own - that's not you being bad with money. It may be control. Naming it is the first step, and you don't have to sort it out alone.

Two things can be true: Ordinary differences and disorganization in a relationship aren't abuse - and some money patterns are control. This is here to help you tell them apart, gently, with your safety at the center. Nothing here is your fault.

What I've been experiencing

Read gently, and check anything that feels true. There's no judgment here.

• [ ] I don't have access to our account information
• [ ] I have to account for or justify every purchase
• [ ] Money I earn isn't mine to decide how to use
• [ ] Debts or accounts have been taken out in my name, with or without my real say
• [ ] I've been told I couldn't manage or survive without them
• [ ] My access to money gets cut off when they're angry
• [ ] I'm kept from working, or undermined when I try

Control, or a fair system we both chose?

A shared money system is transparent and chosen by both of you. Control is one-sided, secret, or used as leverage. The difference is consent and access - not who happens to manage the spreadsheet.

In my own words, does our money setup feel transparent and mutual - or one-sided?

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My own footing

Options to consider - not instructions, and only what's genuinely safe for you to do.

• [ ] Know where key account and document information is kept
• [ ] Have some independent access to money, even a little
• [ ] Have one trusted person who knows my situation
• [ ] Keep copies of important documents somewhere safe

One small step toward my own footing that would feel safe right now:

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If this is bigger than a worksheet

You deserve support. Financial abuse is a recognized form of coercive control - it is not your fault and not a reflection of your ability to manage money. Talking with someone trained can help you see clearly and plan safely, at your own pace.

You're not alone, and there is help: If money is being used to control or harm you, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233, call or text) can help you think through financial abuse and safety planning. For emotional crisis, you can call or text 988. If you are ever in immediate danger, contact your local emergency number. You deserve safety and your own footing.