PDA (Persistent Drive for Autonomy) in Autistic Adults

We all hate when someone asks to do something right when we’re about to do it. It’s like, I was going to do it, but now that you’re telling me to do it, I don’t want to.” This is a common experience, to the point that there have been multiple rounds of memes about it. 

While everyone experiences it, for autistic people, it’s not a joke. Being asked to do something can feel terrible, to the point of even painful at times. 

As an autist, I personally would always hate when my mother would tell me what to do every moment she could while I was still living with her. It was frustrating, yes, but sometimes her demands built up to a point where I felt like I was going to explode. I wanted to do a lot of the things she asked of me, but it felt impossible to approach them with my mother’s voice at the back of my head. 

Why is it so difficult to comply with what is asked of us?

The answer is PDA. PDA stands for Persistent Drive for Autonomy or, originally, Pathological Demand Avoidance. The latter is a technical term that autists avoid using because it fundamentally misinterprets how this actually impacts them.

PDA can look like stubbornness. Someone asks an autistic person to do something, but they adamantly don't do it. It can be frustrating, especially within families and relationships. However, autistic people don't intend to be stubborn or disobedient. In fact, there are many times when they wish that they could go along with what is asked of them.

The reason that autistic people seem like they refuse to do what they are told or asked is that their autistic brain perceives demands as a threat. The demand doesn't have to look, feel, or sound formidable for it to be threatening. As long as it seems like it might impede on the autonomy of the autistic person, their brain will create a panic response. They want to avoid it at all costs!

This naturally affects how autistic people will respond to requests. It even impacts their own wants and needs. There are many autistic people who struggle with hygiene because their brain sees it as a demand; they have to shower, must brush their teeth, etc. It seems like it's not so much a matter of choice as it is something that is expected of them.

When I tried to avoid doing what my mom asked, I used all sorts of tactics. I would try to stall and derail the conversation, distract her with other activities, or just say outright that I didn’t want to do it.

It sounded like laziness and stubbornness. It even seemed to my mother that I just wanted to start a fight. It was frustrating to deal with for the both of us.

Fortunately, PDA can be addressed in a variety of ways.

One way is to use declarative language. For example, instead of asking to do the dishes, a comment on the fact that there are a lot of dishes in the sink piling up could allow the autistic person to come to the conclusion that they should do the dishes on their own.

Another way is to offer choices. Asking if the autistic person wants to do it today or tomorrow or to pick between doing the dishes or laundry allows the autist to make their own decision while remaining in a specific parameter. It helps them maintain a sense of autonomy.

For internal needs, autistic people can reframe demands. Instead of thinking about how they have to brush their teeth, they can think about how good their teeth feel afterwards, motivating them to follow through.

PDA can seem daunting to work through, but it doesn't have to be! Everyone experiences a desire to be autonomous–it just happens to be much stronger in autistic people. It can be accommodated for and should be understood. If you're autistic and deal with PDA, don't be afraid to ask your loved ones to help reframe things for you! You don't have to struggle with it alone.